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Sunday, August 1st, 2004
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11:02 pm - august 1st
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well, im finally making progress in driving, i feel less strss. i have 24 days left at home....wow, not much when u think about it. life is weird right now, im very emotional and stuff, but i guess thats jus normal and typical for this time of my life. i feel sad and kind of miss him but it doesnt matter nemore. there's really nothin i can do. life really sux sometimes but ,aybe it does so for a reason. lately i've been tired often. am i sleepin to late? pregnant?...i dont think so, only if u can get pregnant from masturbating. highly unlikely. last night i think divion had their block party, sounded like mad fun...had good music. well neway, i need to be a good driver so pray for me.
bye
current mood:  accomplished
current music: usher-my way
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| Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
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11:23 pm - im still here, dont worry............
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just came back from mary's party. basically evryone was drunk or making their way there by the time i left. i dont drink, i just had 2 wine coolers and i was good. i played drinking bullshit with my wine cooler while evryone else had beer. that was fun, i like the game. right now im learning to drive. its stressful and hard but im tryin my best to succeed. it is a struggle for me but i will make it. ive been pretty weird feeling this summer. i still havent spoken to him...u kno who in like a month and some. he never returned my last phone call which was like a month ago and i refuse to call him again. he's avoidin me but he cant do it forever unless he really is that cold hearted and that much of a fuckin jerk. he dint invite me to his grad party which is pretty fucked up, i guess im not good enough to go to his party. watever, he's an asshole, i kno it and hav always known it. im leaving august 25th........CANT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO GO NOW!!!
current mood:  indifferent
current music: motown philly-boyz 2 men
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| Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
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10:31 pm - Im back!!!!!!
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yea!! i had a ball on the cruise, i was so carefree, i ate, partied, and chilled. i gained 6 pounds!! im 100lbs now...finally. so basically life is getting better. more happy and less worried and sad. i think i need to get away now. recently ive been extrememly horny. i have resorted to touchin myself and it feels amazing. it does get borin tho, i need a new hand.......someone's tongue. this is a xxx rated entry, send the kids to bed! neway, i dont kno exactly y im feelin so crazy and out of control. I did touch myself last night and im probably gonna do it again b4 i sleep tonight. i had an orgasm the other night....damn!!! neway, if u think im crazy or a freak, thats ok. im just keepin it real like i always do. if u feel like commenting...feel free. And its natural, its better than runnin the streets. not that i would.....Laughin My Ass Off!!
well, i havent spoken to him since the 22nd of june so thats like almost a month. I am literally trapped; i cant shake this kid and he's not worth all this. i feel kinda of sad but then again im startin to not care nemore. if he cares he'll call right? i guess. i need advice....if neone has been readin my journal, tell me how to deal with this cause as of now....ive been dealin wit it on my own and i cant nemore.
bye
current mood:  horny
current music: lets ride-montel jordan
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| Sunday, July 4th, 2004
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11:28 pm - ill be gone a while...not that i come on a regular basis
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neway, im goin on a cruise for a a while. im excited!! It will be just what i need. SO, he hasnt called and niether have i. im not sure what i'll do yet but i'll do somthing..........
bye
current mood:  excited
current music: milkshake!!
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| Tuesday, June 29th, 2004
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12:39 am - the prom and graduation
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prom:
well, its all over. prom night was amazing. i had the best time...i tried to despite a lingering sad feeling. i dont why i let him get to me. well, i saw him at graduation practice and he totally ignored me and barely said hi. i felt bad and i knew nothin would change by the time the prom came around. i was right, he ignored me and i finally decided to say hi while i was dancing. i looked hot tho! no denying that! i felt sad but decided to shrug it off and enjoy the night neway. the funny thing is, i wanted to dance with him but i knew he wouldnt so i dint ask. i danced like crazy and backed it up and dropped it like its hot. i danced with everyone and had a great time. i saw fran again! i loved fran, she is wonderful. it was truly nice seeing her again. he looked good in his suit....i hate him for being such a jerk. i really do. i often wonder why he's an asshole to me most of the time. I give up. I cant take it nemore.
Graduation:
it was wonderful and so sad. i broke down crybin before i left my house. i was sad at the ceremony but i eventually felt better as the time passed. i was nervous when i went to ge my diploma. i thought i would fall but i dint...thank god. i got flowers from my parents. i was soo tired since i only had 5 hours of sleep. i went to a party in queens at my cuz's hous the night b4 and came home at 5 in the morning. after graduation i took a nap...i needed one badly. He dint speak to me and graduation either and he was jus being how he usually is. i feel like shit and i really hate him.
what would i do if he ever read this? nothin, at least he'd know how i felt.
current mood:  blah
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| Monday, June 21st, 2004
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11:32 pm - yea...
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well prom is in two days! im excited! can't wait to pull up in my limo and take over the place! we wanted white but because of circumstances, we ended up with black. oh well, its a ride. so, i called him today and just missed him. His mom said he was on the way out. oh well, im a lil upset about something that i dont feel like talkin about concerning him. i think that im going to ignore it or wait and see if he does anything about it. so, graduation practice is on weds 9-11. looking forward to that i guess...i dont know. its sad but you know i realize now how much i need to go. i went to the doctor toady and got to shots...one of them hurts. Its sore like if i got punched in the arm 20 times. Well, its normal and supposed to last for 2 days. Thank God for that. So i decided to leave a message on the person's journal about the offensive materialand he replied. I was relieved that he was only joking and its all good. I mean it was upseting to read that stuff but i guess if you know its not for real its easier. He said that his friend is ending his journal...it wasn't my intention for any of them to want to end their journals. I hope he realizes that. In life i guess you have to let things be. I guess im always ready for a battle....is that a bad thing? sometimes....i like the fact that I say what I mean and I'm staightforward with people.
bye
current mood: hopeful
current music: something by lauryn hill
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| Saturday, June 19th, 2004
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11:48 pm - well
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i ran across a few disturbing things in some ppl's journal. Im not exactly sure who one of them are but i know who the other is. i was pissed off at what i read. i really don't understand people. There is such a lack of...of...i dont even know what to say. it was hurtful to me but for whoever wrote it, its a big joke. i dont go around using any racial slurs about anyone inside or outside of school. its bullshit! it was blantant racism and bigotry.
current mood:  enraged
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| Saturday, June 5th, 2004
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11:07 pm - 4 more days of school left.....
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well 4 more days...how do i feel? i really have mixed feelings, im happy school is over but its always sad when something ends. i dont know i guess. life has been crazy lately. i feel so good about myself and who i have become but yet there's this uncertainty and bit of sadness lurking within me. spelman here i come....ready to take on the world. take it by storm. well, lately he has been kinda distant or at least it seems so. nothin has happened to cause him to be that way, it is just very confusing to me. i dont really kno how i feel about it...i mean it hurts...he signed my yearbook and he dint write much. it seemed a little trite but then i realized that what else can/would he say to me? and i think it was sweet. i wish he wrote more so years from now i would have somethin to look back on. i am looking forward to hanging out with him and i hope it does happen. i mean right now things feel uncertain. i wish he would just tell me what the problem is...why he seems so distant at times. i dont know....im startin to think that its not worth all this.
bye
current mood:  indescribable
current music: bob marley-"kinky reggae"
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| Friday, May 28th, 2004
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12:38 am - grr....
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some ppl are so ignorant about things....ignorance kills. some ppl need not to open their mouths...they need to shut the fuck up!....referring to something i just read.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: fuck all ignorant ppl!
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| Thursday, May 27th, 2004
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2:55 pm - things have changed
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well, my article came out in newsday monday and it was very nice! i loved it and i was like a celebrity for a little while. wow, bradley called me on monday at like 9 somthin and he said he wanted to hang out. one thing that made me feel bad was when he said that he thought i hated him but i could never hate him. its impossible. I i was so surprised...i could barely speak or say what i really wanted to say. i felt like a true retard, all i said was "ok" to everything! geez! well then the day after, he seemed a lil uneasy because it was probably a lil ackward for him. i was too. And so i decided that i would call him yesterday and tell him that i was nervous when he called and that im glad he called and that im happy he wants to hang. i called and his father answered the phone and said he wasnt home....he dint call me bac so im guessing he got in late or never got the message at all. i kno he has a cell but im not gonna ask for the number...he should give it to me if he thinks i should have it. that would definitely help since he's not home that often. plus his father asked if i wanted to leave a number and i said no because i was on my friend's cell phone and i figured he could call me bac at home. im really happy he changed his mind and i know that we will enjoy each other's company. I wonder what made him change his mind..hmm. I dont know. I actually feel very comfortable talking to him when i let myself relax. when he called i guess i was just caught off guard. i plan to call him a few times so we could talk before we actually hang out. im so pleased and i really hope everything works out. And i am also gettin a cold and im really annoyed because i made it this far without a cold and now all of a sudden i get one. stress? possibly. well, ill update u later.
bye
current mood: pleased
current music: "killing me softly"-lauryn hill + Fugees
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| Saturday, May 22nd, 2004
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11:44 pm - its me
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well, the paper is coming out tomorrow with my interview in it. im kinda nervous about it because u never know what to expect. i had a long talk with nedra(the journalist)and i think she inderstands that i dont want her to disrespect me and print anything i dint say. she could seem shady at first but after talking to her for a while she seems very nice. i kind of seem like dork in the article because it says that i dont hang out much, dont date, and im goin to the prom with my cousin. but im not goin with my cuz b/c he cant make it...i think im goin alone. i will still have fun. hopefully. well, he spoke to me in gov't about the whole article thing and about college. i was surprised he actually held a convo with me. i still feel like there's things that need to be addressed (the note) between us. eventually, i hope we will talk about them. for now, i have to take each day at a time.
current mood: optimistic
current music: sweetest thing-lauryn hill
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| Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
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10:05 pm - hey
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well, today i got honored at the breakfast of champions. it was very nice, it made me feel really good. then i got interviewed by newsday! it was a good day. work was ok today, i actually felt good and was in a good mood. not as bored as usual. i finally left a comment on neggs journal after saying i was goin to do it so long ago. procrasination...its a disease. that kid is really cute and cool, too bad we never really work together. lol, i woked with pete saturday and accideently hit him in the neck with the flag...oops! i was pretty embarrassed. we had fun and looked at cosmo. good stuff. i told him i would bite his ear off and now he calls me mike tyson.lol.
update: bradley doesnt talk to me at all. i really feel bad about it but i dont think i can say anything. i dont think i know what to say. i hate thinking about the last day of school, its kind of depressing. not jus because of him but because school is over and ill miss my friends. i found out im leaving august 14th. thats pretty early i think. all of this is so overwhelming. i keep thinking about wether i should regret giving him the letter and i came to the conclusion that i regret it...i really regret it. it wasnt worth the pain or rejection. now i just walk around with a smile on even tho im not smiling on the inside. in gov't i try to seem happy so that he doesnt feel bad...and for my own pride. i dont smile because im happy, im happy because i smile.
current mood:  melancholy
current music: "my sunshine has come"- angie stone
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| Friday, May 14th, 2004
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11:26 pm - 2 days later
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well ive had time to think and rationalize the situaution. im really trying not to be depressed and im thankful i have good friends to give me support. i really wish it didnt turn out this way...but there's nothing i could do. just the thought of its finality hurts... the fact that there isnt anything left to hope for. im gonna pray and hope that things work out for the best. i know god will help me through this. i think i know exactly why it happened this way but i will have to wait to find out if was right. i really think at least he should be a man and have the balls to tell me himself, he acts so mature but it turns out that he has a long way to go. eventually, he will i guess. the process begins now for me. im gonna be who i am and show him that it is deinitely his lost. i remember the last time he hurt me, i cried and was extremely upset. he heard and he actually called and apologized. now i wonder if he meant it or if he said it to erase his guilt. if he could do that y cant he tell me he doesnt wanna hang out? hmmm...i wonder. anyway, i will update you if anything happens.
bye
current mood: gloomy
current music: silence
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| Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
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10:21 pm - why
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i cant pretend that this pain isnt worse than anything in the world. my heart really hurts and i feel dizzy and tired. he said he dint want to hang out. i dont understand his reasoning for that decision. i hope at least he tells me himself. his friend told me because i insisted that she found out. i regret it now...i would have rather played the guessing game.one day... that was all i wanted from him.i learned a lesson though...the true person always comes forth at the right time. i dont hate him at all...i dont understand him. i feel helpless because what else can i say? "its all good, have a nice life" but that isnt wat im feelin...i have to be true to myself.
to be continued....
current mood:  depressed
current music: silence
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| Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
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6:40 pm - its been a while
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well,im kinda uncertain and not so up beat. I wrote him a letter and i poured my heart out. i gave it to him myself...i guess he read it. i asked him to respend to it but i think i shouldnt have done that because he probably doesnt kno wat to say.he only said "hi" the day after he read it and hasn't spoken to me since. i dont kno wat to think....did i scare him?
is he avoiding me because i asked for a response and he doesnt have one to give me? i had bad timing...i guess. he has a grlfriend but that shouldnt stop him from responding, its not like i asked him out or anything, infact, i wouldnt. i dont think there is anything else i can i do...next time i get the oportunity, ill just ask him what he thought of the letter. :(
bye
current mood: rejected
current music: silence
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| Sunday, April 11th, 2004
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11:28 pm - need to say stuff
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well, im doing ok i guess, im trying not to stress over the fact that there is about 2months left of high school. im soo confused about wether im excited or disappointed. its so hard i mean...i just try not to think of it. when i think of the fact that im leavin home...that excites me but otherwise im not. today is easter!!! HAPPY EASTER! went to church with grandma...it was a nice afternoon. i felt somthin while i was there...somthin powerful.
current mood:  confused
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| Friday, April 9th, 2004
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11:08 pm - well hello again........
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well its been a couple days. so wats new?....nothing much...same ish. different day. so i got into SPELMAN! im so excited, its the perfect place for me to become a strong beautiful black woman...and sucessful. so ive been tryin to get an opportunity to talk to him..looks like ill have to write another note. already started writing it anyway. its actually been a while since we've talked...wonder if he even wants to talk...to me. hmm...maybe he does or will. i talk about him so much in this journal...lol! i guess this is the only place i can express myself freely. its spring break so im gonna BREAK!
TILL NEXT TIME,
bye
current mood:  contemplative
current music: my milkshake brings all the...........u kno the rest!
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| Thursday, April 1st, 2004
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9:35 pm - here is the other half of my day
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well, i feel really bad cause i cant tell him how i feel. i feel like i constantly have to hold back. i feel like ive said all that i had to say...haven't i? i know thats the best thing to do though. cause whats the use anyway, i would just be wasting my time...and his.
current mood: gloomy
current music: silence
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9:22 pm - yea!!!!!!!
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| Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
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11:45 am - wow
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well taday was a half day and i was really happy to be out of school at 10! that is great. i went over my best friend marg's house and chilled. she made chicken and ravioli for me! well life otherwise is ok...i mean im surviving and striving. im just waiting until its all over. i cant even believe im a senoir and that it is almost over. im ready to go, im really really ready. cap and gown, smiles no frown, tears of joy.
current mood: horny
current music: pms-mary j. blige
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lifeinbrown's journal